“You can’t quit until you try / You can’t live until you die / You can’t live and tell the truth / Until you learn to lie…. / When you’ve lost it all / That’s when you finally realize / Life is beautiful.” – from “Life is Beautiful” on “The Heroin Diaries” soundtrack
Most people know Nikki Sixx as the bassist and founding member in one of the most successful bands in rock-n-roll, Mötley Crüe. Others are aware of him as a member of Brides of Destruction, or a producer/songwriter who’s contributed to albums by Meat Loaf, Saliva and Marion Raven. Still others have read about him in the groundbreaking book, “The Dirt,” learning how he grew up with a single mom and her abusive boyfriend after his father abandoned him at an early age, then how he was shuttled to various homes and raised by his grandparents before becoming a teenage vandal – breaking into homes, shoplifting and finally being expelled from school for dealing drugs.
While the Crüe song, “Kickstart My Heart,” recounts Nikki’s near-death experience after a drug overdose on December 23, 1987, “The Heroin Diaries” reveals the Sixx saga in a way that a so-called rock star has never done before, opening himself up and laying bare a point at which he’s at his lowest.
On Christmas Day 1986, Nikki should have been enjoying the fame and kudos of being a multimillion dollar mega rock star. Instead, he spent the day alone, naked, cradling a shotgun and shooting up smack under a Christmas tree in a big empty mansion in Van Nuys, CA. The book recalls a harrowing year of addiction that led to Nikki’s spiritual death and rebirth, from Christmas ’86 to the fateful day when he had to be revived by paramedics.
The writings all come from diaries he kept during those 12 months in hell, with his own subsequent comments and clarifications added on. “The Heroin Diaries” is a devastating, firsthand and candid account of a troubled soul collapsing at the seams, a member of one of the most infamous and wildest rock bands in the world, a tale of decay told by both its tragic antihero and the people around him.
It is also a story of recovery, of an abject figure fighting a crippling addiction and finally, somehow, emerging with his sanity bruised, but intact. It is an inspirational narrative, and one which should inspire anybody fighting the same terrible demons that consumed Nikki Sixx.
His world included all-night heroin and coke binges that would end with Sixx cowering in the walk-in closet to his bedroom; paranoid and hallucinatory delusions climaxing with desperate phone calls to police or security companies; violent and abusive relationships with family, friends, lovers and fellow band members; and a love affair with the needle that would only end on December 23, 1987, when it literally killed him.
Stumbling across his own journals several years ago, Sixx realized “The Heroin Diaries” would be a devastating antidote to any deluded kid who feels, as he once did, that heroin addiction is in any way glamorous or alluring. “The Heroin Diaries,” co-written by Sixx with music journalist Ian Gittins, published by MTV Books and Simon & Schuster, will be preceded by a soundtrack on Eleven/Seven Music inspired by it. Nikki got together with another pair of producer/songwriter/musicians, his good friends James Michael and DJ Ashba, to create a musical accompaniment to the text.
“I obviously lived the book, but they read it,” says Nikki of the collaboration, which was so successful it blossomed into the band Sixx:A.M. “It was great to be able to sit down with these guys, who know me so well and are two of my best friends, but didn’t know me then, and submerse ourselves in that time. We really pushed, pulled and developed this together, each of us contributing in our own way, three guys with one vision. To be able to do that, with the egos taken out of it, and just follow the music wherever it took us, was great.”
The resulting soundtrack closely follows the outline of the book, a year-long cycle of heroin use and recovery. There are 13 original pieces, one for each chapter, from the opening “Xmas in Hell,” with its heavy metal ode to the yuletide standard, “Carol of the Bells,” through the emotional crisis of the first single, “Life is Beautiful,” and the rueful acknowledgment of relapse (“Accidents Can Happen”), to the harsh condemnation of childhood (“Dead Man’s Ballet”), the painful steps of withdrawal (“Girl with Golden Eyes”), the acceptance of a higher power (“Permission”), and a celebration of ultimate spiritual rebirth (“Life After Death”). James Michael, who does all of the vocals on the album, and DJ Ashba, who provides the crackling, emotional undertow with his searing guitar work, come together with Nikki to find the aural equivalent of “The Heroin Diaries’” psychic underpinning.
On the soundtrack Nikki also reads excerpts from the book, accompanied by some of the most heartfelt and moving music he has written over the course of his remarkable career. “We never intended for this to be a band,” admits Nikki. “We didn’t plan on ever playing these songs live. It was never really about that. We were just three guys, and now, all of a sudden, we’re one. I love Mötley Crüe. They have been a huge part of my life – the most successful part – and I will continue to do it. But I needed to go over here for a while to exorcize the demons.”
The three grew increasingly tight, with both James and DJ finding themselves applying what Nikki was going through to their own situations. “James is one of my very favorite singers and people,” says Nikki. “I didn’t push for him to be the singer on the project… It came organically. And it was just wonderful because James has been through a lot of his own stuff, and this turned out to be very personal for him as well. There are parts of songs that he would probably tell you were about his own childhood, or DJ who’s one of my very best friends and an extremely talented artist, I’m sure could point out many aspects of the album that he can relate to his life as well. Because it came from one vision and three guys, you’re going to get some different interpretations. I’m curious to hear how the listener experiences that. It connects on a level that people can take and make their own. These aren’t our songs anymore... They’re everybody else’s. Like your own children when they grow up and have their own lives.”
Sixx, who will donate a portion of the proceeds from the project to his own “Running Wild in the Night” initiative for Covenant House, which helps fund creative arts programs around the country focusing on music, says the experience of writing and recording “The Heroin Diaries” has “grounded” him. “This has helped me grow roots,” he explains. “I feel so in the honesty and reality of ‘that was then and this is now.’ My life is so different. I feel so connected. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel very humbled and very grateful.”
He’s not sure whether he’s found God, but he’s more than willing to share his experiences in hopes it will do some good for others who can relate to his situation. “Addiction is one of the biggest problems we have on this planet right now,” he says. “What I can do as a tiny, tiny part of this work is just to give back. Maybe one person gets it, maybe 100, maybe 100,000, maybe a million. I’ll never know. If I can pass my knowledge on without being a preacher or without getting on a soapbox, that would mean something. All I’m saying is, this is my experience. Read it, or not. Believe it, or not. Absorb it, or not. I’m not telling anybody what to do. I’m just putting my experience out there and hoping you can learn something from it.”
Sixx continues, “For me, the word ‘God’ was always hard to swallow. But think Hare Krish-na, Budd-ah, G-ahh-d… We say ‘ahhh’ when things make us feel good. The monks use ‘ahhh’ in meditation. I’m in ‘awe’ of my life, that I’m even alive. I’m in awe that I get to have the opportunity to spread this message. When I think God, I don’t think Jesus Christ. I think of a complete spiritual safety net, being able to let yourself go. I’m happy to go through life, see what happens and be in ‘awe’ of, be able to enjoy, the moment…and stop worrying about expectations or trying to predict the future. These are things I couldn’t do in the past.”
“I’m powerless to do anything now, because people will have their own opinions after they read the book and listen to the soundtrack. My deepest, darkest moments are out there. If you want to live life on your own terms, you’ve got to be willing to crash and burn. I’m just very proud to have so many amazing people around me. The difference between now and then is I have a support system. I wasn’t able to stay off drugs then. I am able to stay off drugs now.” “The Heroin Diaries” – the most addictive rock-n-roll saga since “The Dirt.”
All Access Magazine’s Valerie Nerres had the opportunity today to speak to Nikki Sixx in a teleprint conference call. Here’s a transcript:
AAM: Knowing what you know about your addiction, the horrible dark places it took you, the fact that it almost killed you, etc. If you could be taken back to the moment you took the first ever hit, would you do it again? Would you trade the person you have become by living through it with the person you might have been had you never done it?
Nikki Sixx: That's a really good question. If I knew what was going to happen to me, right before I took the first hit...would I do it? No. Do I regret anything that happened to me because where I'm at now and can hopefully can just share my experience with someone else out there that it might help? No, I don't regret that.
AAM: If you were sitting face-to-face with an "at risk" teen, what would you tell him or her? How would you begin to help?
NS: Well, it's very tricky. I've had a lot of people try to help me and I wasn't ready. I've had a lot of people come to me, as friends, that WERE ready, and I've been able to help them. Basically, when I say I've been able to help them, I can just share with them my experience and give them the bit of knowledge that I have and maybe point them in the right direction. In the end, you know, we have to make our own decisions and I'm really not one for standing on soapboxes, but I am definitely one that if someone reaches up there in quicksand and they need a hand, I'm going to reach down and help. But you have to be careful, because there are so many that really don't want help. There's a beautiful and horrible saying in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous which is that "Some people have to die so that the rest of us can live," and I guess I always believed that I was one of those that was going to die so that other people would see how NOT to live. It's a bit ironic that I'm the one who lived that and can hopefully pass that on without being on a soapbox. I mean, I still walk, talk, smell, taste, look rock-n-roll and hopefully I always will. I'm an artist, I don't want to become Bible thumper, I don't want to become a Savior. But if I can just share my experience, my single experience on this planet out of all the billions of people, and can just raise money and awareness for a global epidemic and maybe be able to save a couple of people…. You know, one of my fantasies is that some day, someone is going to be sitting here doing an interview like this and is going to ask somebody, "So you were on the street and you were this and you were that, and now you've got a #1 record in the country and all this, what's your story?" and that somebody will say, "I was homeless and I found this place called Covenant House and I got into the music program, and this guy who’s named Nikki Sixx started this program and it saved my life, and now I'm making music for other people." That would just be an amazing circle. Complete.
AAM: How do your children feel about this book? Of course they’re fully aware of how you are as a "rock star" in public and your history, but to have your addictions so publicized. How have you, as a parent, approached talking to them about addiction and drugs? What advice would you give to other parents about how to talk to their kids about drugs and keeping their kids off drugs?
NS: Well, I am no different as a parent than probably any other parent, and my children are no different than every other family’s group of teenagers and soon-to-be teenagers. This is an issue that we all are going to have to face and I have talked to my children about it. In a perfect world, they would listen to their father and go, “You know what, that just didn't turn out good for him and I'm not going down that road.” But, you know, we all make our own decisions and I HOPE they don't go down that same road. But if they do, I'm going to have to be there for them and support them through their journey. I think they have a lot of information that is positive and why NOT to do it, but, let's face it, peer pressure and teenage angst are some pretty powerful arguments against that, aren't they?
AAM: “The Heroin Diaries" was an incredibly personal project. Was this the hardest project you've created due to the fact that it opened you up to be vulnerable? We get to see a side of you that is rarely seen: Your true heart and the pain that you felt. Do you feel completely exposed? What was your motivation behind putting this book together?
NS: The original motivation is a different motivation than we have now. It has been this amazing eye-opening journey for not only me, but for my band members in Sixx:A.M., how we've bonded over something that was so devastating in my life, how we felt so inspired by a time in my life that is probably not unlike hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of other human beings’. I like to not feel quite so unique, but only that I have the microphone and that I'm able to sort of shout it out there – and that motivation right there is enough. To just kind of put it out there, say, “This is what happened to me, this is how I unraveled the ball or string, I peeled the onion, and hey, I hope you enjoyed the read and I helped you out, and by the way thanks for your money because I just gave it to Covenant House. We're going to help these kids out.”
AAM: Going to one of the titles from one of the songs from “The Heroin Diaries" soundtrack, what makes life beautiful for you?
NS: What makes life beautiful is looking back and seeing how far you've come and then just really savoring that moment. Like it says, "I was waiting for my hearse and what came next was so much worse, it took a trail of blood to find my way back home, open your eyes and you can see that Life Is Beautiful.” Looking back, it's pretty satisfying knowing you've gotten through it; just live in that moment, just savor that.
Special thanks to the people who put this conference call together to allow All Access Magazine to be able to ask Nikki these questions. For more information, please go to:
www.myspace.com/nikkisixx, www.nikkisixx.net, and www.covenanthouse.org. To make a donation to Nikki's "Running Wild in the Night" campaign, please visit https://secure.ga1.org/05/runningwild.
